My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
