Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just tell him i said nine months
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
