I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
