i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
