Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize