if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
