my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
