just come out here and I will go home with you...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
