I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
