I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
