Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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