Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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