we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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