3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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