sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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