allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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