I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
