Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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