I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
