Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
