That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
