Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize