they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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