so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
