did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I looked at my own cervix.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
