I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
