How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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