Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
