there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
