Don't make out with my wife yet
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
