He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
