I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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