A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
