Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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