i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
