Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
