oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
