I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
