My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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