I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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