I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
