I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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