Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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