he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
