there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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