You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
