last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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