So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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