toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My liver just broke up with me...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
