I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
