It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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