I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
