can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
