I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
