i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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