Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
