I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
