We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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